Please help I am scared and crying
Hello and welcome.
I'm sorry you're in such emotional agony over this. From what you described, you really didn't have much of a risk for any STD, and no risk at ALL for STDs like HIV. Your encounter was pretty safe.
When anxiety becomes severe and all consuming, it's hard to accept information as it is being presented. You've visited the GUM clinic multiple times, and to date, all indications (INCLUDING very reliable tests) are that you're free of any STD, including herpes. You must try to accept that information as factual.
Being that this was your first real sexual encounter, you are most likely struggling with confusion, guilt, and regret, which is normal. Are you openly gay? If not, that could also be creating some turmoil for you as well, being that your experience was with a man.
There's a few things you can do...ONE, you need to stop searching the internet, as that is only fueling your anxiety. That's honestly the worst thing you could do. Secondly, your anxiety is at crisis levels, with mention of suicidal thoughts. That means it is time to seek some professional help, ASAP. Normally, a small amount of anxiety over these kinds of situations would be expected to resolve, but yours is off the charts, causing you very high levels of stress and worry, to the point where thoughts of suicide have entered your mind. That isn't good, and it isn't anything to mess with.
From an STD standpoint, I don't see one thing of concern for you to still be worried about. From an emotional standpoint, you are struggling and need to seek help soon. You can ask your family doc for a referral to a psychiatrist, who can discuss various treatment options with you.
You're young, and only just starting to explore the sexual arena. With exploration comes negative feelings along with the positive ones, especially if you happen to be dealing with being homosexual, that's not an easy situation, and sadly it causes a lot of anxiety and worry in people, especially if you haven't come out yet. Therapy would be great in that regard for you also, as you can discuss and explore your sexuality in more detail. I would encourage you to embrace your new sexual experiences, it is a time when you can learn a lot about yourself...and you should be enjoying the new sensations you will experience. As long as you stay committed to safe sex (condoms for any insertive sex, oral sex is personal preference), you will never have much to worry about as far as STDs are concerned.
Best to you, hope you can start to relax about all of this...let us know when your first appt is to see either a psychiatrist, or therapist. Read More At : ...