Desperately need help for daughter
First off, there is alot of chaos going on here. Within the three seperate family units..your and your husband's..your mothers...and your daughter bio father. It sounds like she doesn't have any consistant stability in rules and boundaries as she is off with each person who lets her do different things and treats her differently.
I'mm say about the cell pgone and boyfriend...your daughter is 16 throw out the mental illness for a minute. Her hormones are raging. All of her friends are into boys and all of her friends probably have cell phones. I can think back to being 16 (heck I'm only 29) and if my parents had told me to stop seeing my boyfriend, it woudln't have gone over well. So that's not apart of anything excepy being 16 years old and rebelious trying to find out who she is and where she fits in the world on her own.
When your 16 you think you know everything..thta's normal.
And while I do agree that it sounds like she has anxiety and MAYBE the a personality issie, she's only 16 and no doctor will diagnose a personality disorder until someone is 18 because her peronality is still developing and she's at a very hormaonal and ackward stage in her life.
I'm surprised teh doctor took her off the medication so quickly and put her on cymbalta(though cymbalta is a good drug) It takes all of those types of medication a few weeks to get into the system enough to work. Sometimes it can even take up to a month for someone to feel the full effects. So make sure your giving the meds time. I'm just surprised the doc took her off after a week and cganged unless he just thought cymbalta was a better choice afterall which it may.
In my opinion there's thress things going on here. Your relationship your daughter, your relationship with your mother and the relatiosnhip with your ex husband(or your daughters bio dad)
Each relationship effects the next and effects your daighter. Especially the relatioship with your mother. I see her attitude as getting worse after being with her hrandmother for so long because her grandmother was at that time her care taker and the rule maker and the way your mother reacts and acts to things your daughter has adopted into herself.
Certainly it's alot of chaos that's swirling around and directly and indirectly effecting your daughter.
So my suggestions would be this:
Make sure she makes her couseling and phyciatrist appointment(they're especially important)
Try to make sure she is living with one person the majority of the time and goes to visit the others on a weekend. That way your daughter will have the continual stability she needs at that age with the same rules and boundaries being set.
And try to make sure that her bio father is prepared to set the same rules and boundaries as well as your mother.
I know your relationship with your mother is not good. But if your daughter is going to ve over there for visits and whatnot your mother needs to set in place your rules and boundaries. She is your daughter.
But she needs to be spending a consistant amount of time in one place every week where she understand what's required of her and when she gies to visit people/family on the weekends those rules need to still apply or of course she'll prefer to live with someone who lets her do anything she wants or has more lax rules.
And that gives your daughter the room to manipulate you and your husband by refusing to come hom.
There may be a reason she refuses to stay at her bi-dads for the weekend and my advice is that you talk to her about it and make sure your sending her to a place where she feels safe. By your accounts her bio-dad had some anger problems and problems with alcohol and may still.
Make sure to listen to what she's saying. Set aside some special time for her for just you and her without her sister and without your husband and talk..either out to lunch or going to the mall. Something that includes not just sitting in her room talking to her but something special for the both of you. And if it works than maybe start doing it every week.
I can feel your daughter has alot to be angry about, especial;ly as a 16 year old girl. And not that that anger is right, but that there are things going on that triggers her anger and she maybe doesn't even know what they are which is why it's inportant she doesn't miss counseling or her psychiatrist who can make sure all her meds are working and she's okay on them.
Sometimes it's not uncommon for someone to need help from another medicine or have one replaced.
But I'll tell you now...she won't stop seeing her boyfriend if your demanding it..especially if your saying she needs to work on issues before she does. She may be hearing a different meesage than what your actually saying as 16 year olds tend to hear things as they want t o hear them. So maybe that's somethinng to talk about to her also and find out about this boyfriend(you know at 16 it's not going to last)
Does what I'm saying make sense and seem possible?
It's a tough situation your in especially adding all the different family dynamics and how you treat your daughter compared to how your mother and her bio-father treat her. She's all over the map emotionally and it doesn't sound like there's much stability,
So in short trying to get everyone on the same page is important. And of your mother can't go by your rules with your daughter than maybe you need to sit down with her and talk to her abiout why it's important to you.
I'm so sorry your mother has said the things she has to you. Has your mother been diagnised with Bi-Polar or any other Mental Illness? I know what she said must have hurt alot.
But remember too, your daughter can pick up on all thes ethings going on and in her mind her might be feeling split between her grandmother and you knowing how her grandmother feels right now.
And of course I don't know the whole situation so this is just what I see from your post and may be missing some things and totaly off the mark here.
But I hope some of it will help you out. I know you must be frustrated, very frustrated at this point.
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